by Lynn Murphy
I could not perceive God at work.
I could not feel joy or pleasure as I stood at the precipice of emptiness and nothingness that felt as wide as the Grand Canyon, void of hope and purpose. Some days were like slogging through a swamp of molasses. Others were more like a series of relentless waves pulling me under again and again.
The hardest thing to bear in my depression was the silence of God. I felt like I had lost my best friend. Why wasn’t He speaking through His word or answering prayers? Where had I gone wrong? God’s ways are perfect so clearly, I was at fault, but how? What could I change to escape this overwhelming blackness that that penetrated every moment?
Sleep eluded me while negative thoughts perpetually bombarded me. I cried out for to the Lord asking him to lift me out of this pit but was met with silence in the darkness.
I kept yearning for Jesus to somehow rescue me. I know my God is a Rescuer and could read the true accounts found in my Bible. God had done marvelous things for his people over and over again. But I was still waiting.
As I waited, I found some solace in the cross. While Jesus was nailed there, the crowd mocked him saying, “He saved others but can’t save himself. He is the King of Israel. Let him come down from the cross and we will believe in him. He trusts God. Let God rescue him.” Yet Jesus wasn’t rescued – not in the way the crowd would have understood. Instead, Jesus hung there in order to rescue you and me.
I have had to re-evaluate what my idea of rescue means. Is it limited to miraculous healing? Can my human frailty, in this case, my depression, keep me from accomplishing His plans for my life? No. I trust that nothing – not even my depression – can thwart God’s sovereign purposes. My lack of energy, my sadness, and my darkness will not cause me to miss any good work He has ordained for me to do. I am learning that my imperfections and weaknesses highlight His glory and goodness.
Before the world began, God was writing my story. He promises what is best for me even though I plead for an immediate, miraculous rescue. When He doesn’t rescue me as I desire, I am discovering his work in strengthening my faith and his grace in helping me to persevere. God is at work in my depression.
Hope is an abiding peace
Knowing God is good, and He sustains me
Cradling me in His palm
Even when the candle goes out and the earth shakes.
Even though Lynn Murphy considers her life ordinary, she recognizes she is child of an EXTRAORDINARY GOD! She says, “I consider my primary purpose to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I enjoy Precepts Bible studies, hiking, and reading. When time permits, I paint watercolor cards to send my friends and organize my thoughts into essays which I hope will enable others to abide in Jesus and persevere in faith.” You can read more of Lynn’s writing at www.poiema2016.wordpress.com.