You’re the smart one.
You’re the lazy one.
You’re the pretty one.
You’re the useless one.
Those kinds of messages from our respective families of origin form us. I’d heard throughout my childhood that I was ugly, and responded by (a) becoming promiscuous to prove them wrong (b) seeing a deformed image of myself every time I looked in the mirror and (c) believing at the cellular level I was taking up unnecessary space on the planet.
When I began attending church in my late teens, there was something deep inside of me that was starving to discover a new script for my life. I looked to my new family in the faith to help me learn to live to live into my new identity as a born-again child of God. I heard a lot of mystical talk about being “in Christ”, but came to understand this was usually a statement of judicial fact: Innocent Jesus paid for my sins with his atoning death, and the Father sees me as “not guilty” in the same way he sees the risen Son.
I think I imagined that this reality was supposed to automatically overwrite the lies I’d heard from infancy. While being “in Christ” gave my life a new origin story and destination, frankly, I needed a little more description for how to live in the in-between. As a young adult, I was still trying to figure out who I was, and since I’d entered that life stage at a definite emotional deficit, I looked intently to new friends and leaders from the various churches/congregations we attended to tell me something about who I was and how this new me could learn to follow Jesus.
In other words, I was longing to be discipled.
And I was, because we’re all in the process of being discipled by something or someone else. That “something” can be anything from our peer group to our favorite band to our favorite cable news source. I was discipled by the Church by learning that I had value:
- As a regular attender at all church events
- As an enthusiastic helper with church programs and tasks (nursery, VBS, Sunday School teacher)
- As an always-supportive-of-leaders member
- As an obedient wife and a perfect mother
There was always talk of spiritual gifts, but in reality, I learned early on that the gifts the church valued most was that of service and attendance, plus financial giving. In other words, the church taught me my identity was not all that different than that of a good employee.
Honestly, I don’t think any of the pastors or church leaders I knew in my early years ever intended to communicate this to members. (That’s what cult leaders do, and none of those people had designs on starting their own cult.) But most didn’t think in terms of forming disciples. They thought in terms of building their organization. I know – I’ve been a leader in a couple of churches, and I learned it was my job to fill the org chart, not shape people. We hoped that doing church stuff would disciple people, but I learned quickly that the two have at best only moderate overlap.
God has used great books, access to some thoughtful radio programs, good friends willing to go deep with me (and who had no designs on turning me into a good soldier in their congregations), and sorrow to teach me who I am and how to follow Jesus when I’m not at church – and even when I am.
I am not made by my Creator for the purpose of being a regular attender, an enthusiastic helper, a supportive member, an obedient wife or a perfect mother. Each of those things is an expression of true identity, not the identity itself. At their worst, they are the suffocating fear-filled fibers that get woven together into a mask of religious performance.
Our identity is learned as we learn to follow Jesus. For example, I am a writer by vocation, but that is not my identity. I began writing in order to pray and learn to make sense of my life with God. My life seeking God is my identity, and it took a number of different voices (rarely from any of the churches we attended) to affirm and challenge me to use “my way with words” to serve others. I follow him, and I leave a trail of words in my wake.
This is why I believe in the message of Born to Wander: Recovering the Value of our Pilgrim Identity. So many of us live as spiritual exiles, even if we’re the most popular people in town and we busy ourselves checking all the boxes on religious performance that makes us beloved employees in our local churches. Others of us live as spiritual refugees, branded as an unwanted, unloved “other” because we don’t measure up to some sort of human expectation. The shadows that hide our true selves and masks we don to tell the world who we are by what we do, or who we vote for, or what we love are very fancy fig leaves that cover our nakedness.
But Jesus is pursuing us even as we wear those false identities and calls us to follow him. He said, “Follow me” many times, to many different kinds of people, throughout his ministry. This is how he speaks to us today, and this is what he asks of us. Pilgrimage is is our birthright as his beloved children, though it is rarely a soft, comfy existence. More on the challenges and rewards of this existence in my next post, and some thoughts on why we hear so little about it from many pulpits.
If you are a follower of Jesus, what has your discipleship journey looked like? How has your local church formed you?
This post first ran here. Cover photo by Ussama Azam on Unsplash
My days of being formed in church are over. The cookie mold is broken and I love Jesus takes those pieces and doesn’t put them back together but uses them to fit into places where I can find healing and help others grow. I laugh and tell my husband I have a Facebook Messenger ministry, but it’s true. Honest conversations occur, prayers, and encouragement from me to others and they return so much more to me. Who do they say I am? Oh, she’s the one who used to do everything in church but when they moved away they dropped off the church map. Yes, the map is gone, the mold broken, and I feel more in step with Jesus than ever. As Jesus did, folks need discipleship in the flesh, in the world, in the office, in their kitchen — all the places where we wonder if Jesus is with us. He is. We must tell them.
“Yes, the map is gone, the mold broken, and I feel more in step with Jesus than ever.” What a fantastic declaration of independence from false identity and into your true vocation! – Michelle
I don’t believe it is my local church’s responsibility to mold me. They are a tool that helps, but not the end-all. I grew up regularly attending church. My parents held several key leadership roles. However, my parents taught me that I have to nurture a personal relationship with God. Church attendance and tithing were important. But, the abiding relationship with God was most important. The church I’m a member of has gone through radical changes. At this time, it is going in the direction of a Spanish church. Our pastor’s primary language is Spanish. I enjoy the worship service. I’m hoping to learn Spanish. I volunteer in the kitchen with clean-up after the Wednesday night meals where we serve (mainly neighborhood kids.) For a few years, I’ve volunteered in a literacy program at a nearby school. I enjoy working with kids. I’m a longtime member of Bible Study Fellowship. At this time, I am a children’s leader. I have a daily devotional time everyday that includes Bible reading. I went through periods of life where I was being fed through worship service, Sunday School, or Bible studies. I enjoyed these, and a strong period of growth occurred. At this time in life, I enjoy serving others, especially kids!
What a gift you must be to your congregation, Annette! There is a world of difference between serving because God has gifted you to do so and serving because you’re hoping to “fit in”. Blessings on your servant’s hands and heart. – Michelle
Wow, this post SO resonates with me!! I am in my very-late 50’s, have been with Jesus since I was 13 years old, and yet I can STILL hear my Mother’s voice, “why don’t you hang out with those other kids?” “—– is SO pretty, don’t you think?” (After seeing one of my best friends inducted into the NHS):”I wish one of MY children was in the National Honor Society.” And on, and on and on.
It’s funny (not), because I am probably one of those people in our church that others look upon as “a woman of virtue,” if we want to use that term. And the Lord has brought me a VERY. LONG. WAY from that painful time. But there are days and seasons in my life when I wonder if I really am “following HIM,” or am I just following the Christian cultural prescription? I mean, what WOULD happen if I chucked the “church” stuff and moved away and just met Him each morning on a beach in Prayer and Scripture? Would that be so terrible? Would that be a sin?
It takes a long, long time to recognize the damage those toxic messages from childhood – and learn to really live into the truth about who God says you are: his beloved. You’re asking good and virtuous questions as you continue to grow into that identity. 🙂
– Michelle
I very much appreciate your point about how Christianity can so often focus on the “judicial fact” of our salvation – we may have a new way to describe our origin story and future destination, but not really much about the here-and-now of life. I spent many years playing the roles: going to everything that was going on at church, being super involved and helpful. Having 2 autistic kids has taught me to accept and love my limits and not to be afraid to say no to demands that don’t fit with my primary calling. I’m no longer interested in spiritual elitism (“we’re *special*, we’re doing faith better than those other Christians are doing it”) – I just want to live out of the knowledge that I’m loved by God. Thanks for this post; it really resonates.
Thank you, Jeannie. You are a wise human being who reflects the here-and-now of the Kingdom in God-glorifying ways. – Michelle