by Melinda Viergever Inman
When I was a younger woman, I read about the Sandwich Generation. I knew it awaited me out there on the horizon, the experience of being squashed between the needs of my own family and the pressing concerns of my aged parents, my family of origin.
What I didn’t know was that we would reach our period of being sandwiched during a global pandemic with a deadly virus threatening us all. So, squeeze me as tightly as you can between the needs of one generation and the other. I’m right there.
The week the mysterious SARS-CoV-2 invaded our coasts, two of our adult children, each on opposite sides of the country, faced tragedies of enormous proportion. Tragedies that spurred us to put on face shields and face masks, pack plenty of germ-killing wipes in plastic bags, pray for the Lord to preserve us, and then board airplanes containing nine other travelers after journeying through airports devoid of people.
My husband took the first trip on his own, for I’m immunocompromised, and we didn’t know enough about the virus in March of 2020 to discern if I could safely travel or not. So, he did reconnaissance. Off he went by himself, texting back pictures of beloved family, disastrous images, and empty airports.
Simultaneously, my father’s slow decline resulted in a diagnosis of dementia. My mother decided to care for him on her own. As the months passed, however, my nearby sister’s assistance was soon required daily. We then had to determine how she was going to avoid burnout and I was going to help.
A window of opportunity opened when none of our children had pressing needs. My husband and I were able to assist my parents several times in the winter of 2020-2021. We traveled through one variant after another, and one surge followed by the next. Yet still, we flew.
However, no matter what we did, it never felt like enough. When I was young and energetic, I had assumed that I would be the go-to person. That was before the autoimmune diseases and the simultaneous needs of my own family. I felt as if I was letting down my sister and my parents.
I yearned for our situation to be something other than what it was, yet we were squeezed between two generations of loved ones, each with pressing needs, each a plane ride distance away. We longed to be in both places at once, which is, of course, impossible.
How many parts of our lives have been impacted by this pandemic? In early 2020, we never could have imagined. As COVID-19 began, all of us seemed mostly worried about toilet paper.
And yet now, from our daily routines to our church attendance, to how we simply walk out the door to go anywhere, all of life has been altered in some way. And so, of course, the pandemic would impact our tenure in the Sandwich Generation.
One lesson the simultaneous pull of two generations, coupled with a pandemic, has taught me is that I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I wasn’t prepared for the tragedies. Are we ever? I never could have imagined that these calamities would ever impact my children and that this would occur during a worldwide pandemic. This wasn’t on my radar, and probably not on yours.
Being with any of them as much as we were needed proved to be impossible except for a week here and a week there, maybe two weeks at once, no matter our desires.
We aren’t what we thought we were, formidable, tireless, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and yet, when we were young, we thought we were invincible. We couldn’t imagine otherwise, for we were conquerors.
During 2020, after the tragedies, my dad’s dementia, and the immunocompromised nightmare had collided, I cried myself to sleep every night.
The longer we live, the more difficulties we face, the more we realize how dear Jesus is to us. He doesn’t mind if we sob on his shoulder nightly in the darkness. He loves our parents, our siblings, our children, and our grandchildren even more than we do. And so, Jesus is the only one we can trust with the safekeeping of our beloved families. I pray, giving our people into his care.
Maybe this is the lesson our tenure in the Sandwich Generation is meant to teach us. Maybe there’s no other way this can be learned. I wouldn’t have chosen any of this, but I’m glad the Lord has used these unexpected challenges to draw me closer to him.
May the peace of the Lord be with you if you’re also living through such a time.
In difficult times such as you and your family are experiencing, I think all God wants us to do is to stay in the story. Praying, asking for guidance, trusting. May the peace of the Lord be with you, also, Melinda.
“Stay in the story” — I love how you phrased that! Whether weeping or going or staying or serving, don’t run. Sink those roots down into that family tree, and stay fast. Trust God. That’s good, Carole!
Yes, “stay in the story” and write Jesus into it by abiding in His Word. Apart from Him I can do nothing of lasting value for those who need my care.
Isn’t that the truth! So much praying! So much crying! So much need for Jesus. Paula, you’re SO right!
This is so true! My 96 year old mother died just as Covid started but my 41 year old son-in-law had been diagnosed with multiple myeloma and had three stem cell transplants in the last 18 months. Last week Stephen’s myeloma resulted in a fractured femur and two other tumors threaten his eye and spine. The last week has been the hardest in my 71 years! Keep thinking of Elizabeth Elliot, “just do the next thing”, Jesus will meet you there. So I spent the day yesterday cleaning for our daughter, their five children needed clean clothes and Stephen came home last night. He started new infusion therapy today. Thankful to be available but definitely agree, “not superwoman”!
We learned that we definitely are NOT Superwoman and never will be! Jesus is our only hope in this sandwiching and pulling and breaking. He knows just what we need! Good words, Paula!
PS I’m so very sorry for all you have had to experience. Awful! I’m grateful for the wisdom out of hardship that you shared from all the lessons you’ve learned in all of that, Paula.
Thanks so much. I’ve followed Jesus since 1962. Had two different aggressive breast cancers in 2006 and 2011. GOD is good, faithful and worthy of all praise! Suffering with my children and grandchildren is harder than any personal trial. Everyday we trust and believe Jesus’ words and promises in new ways!
I agree! It is indeed more difficult to watch those children and grandchildren go through hard times. Every time I feel that sadness, I try to recall the good that the Lord has brought out of every single trial that he has allowed me to experience. Romans 8:28 is true!
While my caregiving responsibilities have not fallen into the “sandwich” model, I know what it is to care for terminally ill family members. The burden of wanting to be there for those we love and who need us in their moments of weakness can be overwhelming as we put aside our own needs. But my caregiving was not simultaneous for multiple loved ones, so I can’t imagine the pressure of such a balancing act. God bless you as you continue to lean into the Savior for the strength you need to fulfill what He has called you to do in being His hands and feet for those you love.
Ava, because these are our dear loved ones who are in need of our care, the situation is fraught. We want all to go well. We want to do all we can, even if we aren’t stretched between two generations. But, yes, you are correct. Being torn between the generations has made this one of the most difficult experiences we’ve faced. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here.
Melinda,
Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings during them because it helps the rest of us.
I think the one thing that I derive out of tremendous pressure is the realization that I can make it through and the Lord is with me. Those are two good bits of information. But the pressure remains hard! “If it had not been for the Lord, say it, Israel…”
So true, Pam! If it had not been for the Lord, we would not have gotten through this time of being sandwiched between the needs of our loved ones. Indeed, the gift of the loved ones themselves is a treasure!
So true, Pam! If it had not been for the Lord, we would not have gotten through this time of being sandwiched between the needs of our loved ones. Indeed, the gift of the loved ones themselves is a treasure!
It is difficult to be in these type situations. We had to “parent” two of our parents. And, my children are having kids so need our hep at times. Caregiving on steroids. But we are blessed because God has provided us the time, means and His support to get through such times.
Yvonne, I’m glad all is going well or has gone well for you in your service to both your children and to your parents. You do have the ideal situation with time, means, and the Lord’s direction to get you there. I’m glad the way has been smooth for you! God bless!
My husband and I have been in the sandwich generation. We have cared for aging parents with critical needs and we have cared for our son who has health issues. I am thankful to be able to help when needed. God has provided help when we need help, too. I pray we all will show compassion and love to others.
Yes! Love and compassion toward one another is so important, Melissa. Most people have no idea what any other person may be experiencing. We can’t see the internal, we don’t know their life, and so we have no idea how anyone else may be feeling or what they may be suffering. Kindness, gentleness, and sensitivity are called for when we encounter one who may be bristly or rude or sad. They may be suffering horrific trials that we can’t begin to imagine. They may be squashed in the Sandwich Generation, yearning to be in two places at once.
You’re so right that Jesus is the only one who can take care of us and ours. I had my season more than a decade ago of watching my father decline while I was launching the children who were finishing college and reaching independence. Now, I’m watching my own children pass through this time, or waiting as it approaches. Nice discussion.
Nancy, thank you for commenting. The sandwiching seems to be the norm. If we didn’t arrive there yet, we will soon, maybe more than once depending on ages and situations of the kids (ours are spread over a 16 year period) and the parents.
Melinda, this struck a chord with me, “We aren’t what we thought we were, formidable, tireless, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and yet, when we were young, we thought we were invincible. We couldn’t imagine otherwise, for we were conquerors.”
My husband and I had to endure the illness and passing of 3 parents only 6 months apart in 2010. First his father, then my dad, then my stepfather. And we weren’t dealing with a pandemic of epic proportions, so I can’t imagine how to navigate all that during the dark days we walked. My dad was in the hospital for 30 days and I went to sit with him every single day. Thankfully, we lived nearby.
Grateful Jesus so tenderly cares for us and our hearts during these trying experiences and our family members.
I am, too, Karen! I’m sorry you had to experience such a difficult time of losing the dads. It makes me sad just considering how you must have felt.
The experience of crying on Jesus’ shoulder every night and seeing him provide and enable our ability to fly back and forth as was needed was strengthening. Our faith grew. We’re doing less crying, and we’re even more aware of our frailty and our need for him!
Wow, this hit home so powerfully! You are so right: “We aren’t what we thought we were, formidable, tireless, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and yet, when we were young, we thought we were invincible. We couldn’t imagine otherwise, for we were conquerors.” I’m in this exact situation now–I think I’m formidable, except I’m not. I’m shocked to discover I’m not actually invincible. And I’m leaning on Jesus, who’s the one who can set things right.
To realize our need for Jesus, we must hit those walls and recognize that we really can’t leap those tall buildings. Needing to cry on Jesus’s shoulder regularly teaches us that He is our source of strength, not we ourselves. I’m glad this post was timely, Jessica. This is a part of life and of Christian growth. Hitting the wall, crying ourselves to sleep, all of this makes us into women who are humble and kind, for we know we’re not perfect and we don’t always have it all together. These lessons are significant, not fun, but necessary. Thank you for responding so honestly and transparently, an excellent quality that you exhibit often, making yourself accessible to others, coming across as real. These are our best points of growth. Love and prayers, dear friend.
I feel your weariness. Because I am weary, too. Thankfully, our parents are all safely home in heaven now. But the pandemic, and the strife and division it produced in the body of Christ, along with the continual undercurrent of stress, has left me sad and weary.
I feel your lament, and join you in praying for peace.