It is not only possible, it happens more often than you’d think. One trend I saw in my poll of those over 40 was that a notable percentage of those who’d changed churches or decreased their level of “official” involvement at their present congregation did so because they’d grown past what the church offered.
I’ve met precious few church leaders who believe that anyone could “outgrow” their congregation. Think about it. When was the last time you heard a church leader explain the departure of a long-time member who’s chosen a different faith community in glowing terms?* “Ken and Julie have left our beloved Baptist church to join Messiah Lutheran because they believe God has called them there, and frankly, we don’t have much to offer them beyond great preaching, the opportunity to help out at Awanas, and Ken’s role as a deacon, which is basically a building caretaker. They’ll be able to grow much deeper there because they’re going to become Stephen Ministers at the church and use their gifts of encouragement and service in a much more meaningful way. Too, their new church has a great history of spiritual formation-oriented small groups, and we are praying they find rich growth and deeper connection with God in their new congregation just up the street. May God bless you, Ken and Julie. We love you and are grateful for the time we’ve had with you in this church.”
Most pastors work very hard to keep the organizational plates spinning. They’re overseeing and encouraging participation in the programs of the church – programs created for the purpose of helping people grow. They’re writing sermons and leading services meant to point people at Jesus, the One who transforms lives. Though in theory they may have a kingdom mindset that says that their congregation isn’t the only church on the planet, the reality is that when a member leaves, it can hurt like the dickens.
To release people who’ve maxed out at a church is to acknowledge a congregation’s limitations and weaknesses. It also means that a church leader is losing someone who would likely be a strong ministry leader, or at the least, a committed helper/servant. It is a lot easier for some to demonize the leavers by questioning their motives or (ironically) challenging their maturity. “If they were really mature, they’d be more willing to serve here instead of taking their toys and moving on to somewhere where they would get their ‘needs’ met.”
Those over 40 grew up in what was dubbed as the Me Generation. The questions of selfishness are legit and need to be answered. But as I’ve already pointed out here, many who leave churches have valid and important reasons for doing so. What I’m hearing from those who’ve responded to my survey is that growth has often taken them out of churches where they’ve grown weary of passivity (all meaningful ministry is reserved for paid staff, or limited by gender/racial beliefs held by the leadership team) or the constant requests for time and money to support the ego-driven “vision” of a leader. I believe both of those reasons are markers of growth in a leaver, not a sign of selfishness.
With or without a pastor’s “permission”, people do move on because they’ve outgrown a congregation. And I find myself wondering today if it is harder to outgrow a church that understands itself to be a resource and a launch pad than it is to leave a church that functions as a spiritual destination. Few churches use this language of themselves, but that doesn’t change the reality that some congregations are precisely that – organizational terminal points for learning, worship and service.
What do you think? Is it possible to “outgrow” your local church?
I absolutely think it’s possible to outgrow a specific church or congregation. I like the distinction you make of the church being a launching pad or spiritual destination. In our current ministry, we are more of a launching pad. You’ve given me something to think about a little more. Interesting.
This topic reminds me of the parable of the blind men and the elephant. They each are only able to describe the animal based on what they can touch. The moral of which concludes that the sum of the animal is so much bigger than the parts any individual or group can see. I believe this is because we have been conditioned, over the ages, to assume that God = Religion = Church. If you don’t go to church, you can’t have religion and therefore you can’t possibly be a true Christian.
This concept counters (Mark 14:58) We heard him say, I will destroy this temple that is made with hands, and within three days I will build another made without hands.
It is commonly accepted, subliminally, that Jesus can only be understood, worshipped and served by being part of a body inside the walls of an organization.
But what if the tail or trunk or knee of the elephant is not all there is to know? What if you dared to get quiet and ask Jesus, personally, to help you discard all the doctrine, dogma and tenets of what has become the thing people worship instead of the simple truth?
I do not advocate for anyone who is committed to a church to leave. First and foremost we must acknowledge the Body has many parts and each part has its purpose. But what if you, individually feel called to a maturing in the spirit because you emptied out and shook off the layers that kept you bound to laws that have nothing to do with the original Way that Christ came to establish instead of yet another religion?
What if you realized – you can have a personal relationship with Christ, that growing in Christ is not a destination and can never be finished, the more you learn the less likely you can be heard so you don’t speak, but that you can still serve Him in the way He chooses – would you be willing to give up being a big comfortable part to being an infinitesimal, indescribable whole?
“If we really see the Lord Jesus, we shall be emancipated. Some of us have had that experience. We were in legal systems; our horizon was that system. Then the day came when the Lord opened our eyes to really see the significance of Christ. And that whole system fell away as being all nonsense. No, it is not our business to say, “Come out of this and that, and come into this other.” The word ‘must’ or ‘thou shall’ does not belong to this realm. That belongs to the old legal realm. The ‘must’ becomes a spiritual thing, not a legal thing. We could say of Paul, there was a mighty ‘must’ in his spirit. ‘I have seen the Lord, and I am seeing more and more of what the Lord is, and this is creating in me this great imperative. ‘This one thing I do, leaving the things which are behind, I press on toward the mark of the prize of the on-high calling.’ So we do not say, ‘Change your system.’ But we do say, ‘Ask the Lord to reveal His Son in you.’ Then the great work of emancipation will begin.” – Austin T-Sparks
I wonder, too, if there’s an element of age-ism afoot in the church. A while back Gordon MacDonald wrote Who Stole My Church? which deals with our grumpy tendency to resist the changes in the church, made with an eye to appealing to a younger congregation. Some of our middle aged and above friends will leave a church because they just can’t find their way into worship there anymore.
I’m sort of caught on the cusp of this because I absolutely support the inclusion of younger men and women in leadership roles. I welcome music and the use of technology in worship that will resonate for young adults. I’m willing to feel a bit alien, holding a microphone, singing in a “worship team” that I wish could be populated by younger, “cooler” singers. I think one of the ways we “reveal His Son” (harking back to April’s good thoughts above) is by dying to ourselves in the release of our preferences so the church can survive this passing of the baton. I really don’t want to “outgrow” my church family in any sense of the word.
This is a great piece (and I very much appreciate the comments above as well). I think there are many valid reasons to leave a church and many invalid ones, too – but we shouldn’t assume it’s for selfish motives.
I would be skeptical, though, it someone said they were leaving a church because they were spiritually too advanced for it. I know a woman who, with her husband, attended no church for many years. She was fond of saying, “No church is big enough for my relationship with Jesus.” The implication seemed to be that the rest of us who went to church obviously had smaller relationships with Jesus, so church was fine for us. I am no longer interested in that kind of spiritual elitism – in fact that itself would be enough to make me leave a church, if I sensed that leaders or members saw themselves or their congregation as special or elite.
Yes, I’ve personally experienced this, in a different way, having been told I can’t hear from the Holy Spirit if I am not plugged into a church group, and being judged for my rejection of religiosity, I can attest that religious haughtiness is the worst. But even the first century followers of The Way had to deal with this as well, and Paul spoke of this. It’s a human condition and, if we want to zero in on the real problem, most of the difficulties humans have with other humans often can be traced back to personality types and our human nature that is like a child that cannot grow up. Only by maturing in the spirit can we advance from the milk stage and grow up to the meat stage.
Thanks for addressing this, Amanda and Michelle. There’s a LOT to be said about “second half” or “third third” spirituality and our sometimes-fraught relationships with church.