by Angel Royal
She doesn’t believe me when I tell her his name was John Wyskup.
She remembers he died in their bed,
but KNOWS that wasn’t his last name–
Even though she was married to him for 40+ years
and Wyskup was also her name.
Today, she remembers I was married to Brian.
But yesterday, she thought he was my brother.
And the day before that, he was a handsome man she wanted to dance with.
And a few months ago, he was her cousin.
I wonder if he will be her grandson tomorrow?
When she sleeps she forgets.
I’ve always heard babies and puppies grow in their sleep.
I wonder if that changes as they age?
Does our mind shrink when we get to a certain number?
And if so, why is that number not the same for everyone?
What causes her to forget today yet remember tomorrow?
Why can she say she loves me some nights when I put her to bed,
But others, she stares blankly and thanks me in a distant voice?
Like I’m a stranger invading her space.
How does she not remember that she is in her own home?
The one John Wyskup built for her over 70 years ago?
The one with the stones on the outside that he placed by hand?
The one with her bedroom down the hall from where her little girls slept in their twin beds?
The one she fought so hard to stay in and not leave for a nursing home.
When she sleeps she forgets.
She’s resting in her chair right now.
She’s not smiling in her sleep,
But she’s not frowning either.
Will she wake up happy?
Or confused?
Or mad that she took a nap?
Will she remember that it’s Thursday?
And that I live here with her?
How does she remember she loves Dr. Pepper and bacon
But forgets she likes Homestyle Chicken Noodle Soup?
How can she remember my daughter’s name,
But not know if her cat is a girl or a boy?
If I woke her up earlier in the morning, would she recognize her room?
Would she know I’m family and not just a caregiver?
Should I have her sleep less?
Would that help her remember more?
Would she recognize herself in pictures
and not think it was her mama?
When she sleeps she forgets.
Angel Royal is still trying to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up. She recently moved to Oklahoma to allow her 102 year-old grandmother to live her last days on the family farm. She lives with her husband of 21 years, her 2 daughters, age 19 and 17, and of course, Granny. She spends most of her time caring for Granny, trying to keep her chickens, dogs and cat fed, and trying to convince her husband to let her have goats.
Cover photo by Gregory Pappas on Unsplash
What a beautiful way to address such pain. Loving someone and losing day after day is so painful. Angel, great job expressing it.
Thank you, Marjorie. I know you feel it deeply as well! Hugs to you!
Oh how familiar that sounds! My mother fell a lot and I physically could not care for her even though I am a nurse because I have back issues. Felt horrible that I had to have her go to a nursing home. I would visit, and there were days when she knew me and others when she would introduce me as “the best sister in law ever”. You share your questions and concerns well here. It is such a hard journey!
Hi Shauna,
We may get to that point with Granny, too. It’s so hard. I’m glad she at least thought you were a good sister in law—I’m often “that lady” or “the nurse”—neither said in an endearing tone. Lol
This hits so close, Angel! I love the simplicity of your words and the deep, deep place they reach! Just beautiful!
Thank you, Chelsea. I think many of us experience this with our loved ones, but we just don’t talk about it because it’s so sad.
Angel, what beautiful words, and what beautiful love and care, thank you!
Thank you for your kind words, Rachel!
Angel, this is my walk right now with my mom. Thank you for putting it into words.
Oh Cynthia! I’m so sorry you (and your mom) are going through this. I will be praying for y’all—that God would give you lots of beautiful moments together in the midst of it all! Big hugs to you!
Angel, thank you for sharing your questions, hopes, dreams and prayers for your Granny. I’m experiencing the same with my mom and your words are such a comfort. You’re right, it’s still so hard to talk about. Praying for you and Granny, she is such a treasure!
Sweet Holly,
I’m sorry you are going through this with your mama! Praying for the good days to outweigh the bad.
This is beautiful, Angel! I’ve seen your FB posts, but wasn’t sure of the total background. We were lucky with my Dad’s Alzheimer’s – he knew us, just hallucinated, etc. Had good days & bad – was able to be home with my Mom & brother – only a couple of months in nursing home when became too much. Thankfully in his case, God took him home. Take care of yourself too – love you and prayers your way!
Hi Pam-
We had the same thing with my Grandma Mary. She got names confused but still remembered us up until the end. Glad you had that with him.
Wow. Powerfully written without making it about you, but about your mother and her circumstances. Using questions accentuates the aspect of confusion and mystery around the daily experience. Really, really nice piece, Angel.